


All of this is Cut Away

by thePigeoning



Category: The Adventure Zone (Podcast)
Genre: Gen, Haircuts, Hurt/Comfort, Post-Episode: e067-069 Story and Song Parts 1-3, Vomiting, angsty, don't expect me to believe that they made it out of Story and Song unscathed, t for language, time to make the sad son sadder
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-03-27
Updated: 2018-03-27
Packaged: 2019-04-13 17:28:38
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,654
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/14117319
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/thePigeoning/pseuds/thePigeoning
Summary: In the aftermath of Story and Song, Taako's Disguise Self has come down.(OR: Taako needs to learn self worth, the fic)





	All of this is Cut Away

**Author's Note:**

> My first TAZ fic, and ya'll expect me to do something nice? Nah.

The thing about having _Disguise Self_ cast was that it hid _everything_.

When Taako dropped the spell for Kravitz earlier that day, it was only for a moment – and everything that ensued didn’t exactly leave room in his mind to remind him that he was holding up the illusion, or what exactly he was hiding. He didn’t have access to a mirror while defending the world from the big black hungry hole in the sky.

That night they all collapsed in a pile in the B.O.B. infirmary, all tangled up together. Taako’s legs were over Magnus’s, and he was leaning against Barry’s pudge. Magnus served as a pillow for Merle, who sat closely with Davenport. Lup’s form simmered in a puddle on the floor by Barry, foggy tendrils occasionally drifting across all of them.

Attendants fussed over them while they nodded off, exhausted by the day, and still processing memories that were still trickling back into their heads. It was a lot for Taako to process.

Old recipes.

Languages.

His childhood.

How Lup’s eyes crinkled when she smiled.

Shit like that.

Taako was sore as hell in the morning after a thorough beating the day before – both in Wonderland and fighting the Hunger. It was still dark in the infirmary when he woke, and his hands were jittery as he extricated himself from the cuddle pile. He slowly shuffled to the bathroom. The door’s handle was heavy, so its click shut was near deafening. He couldn’t stop himself from flinching.

He cursed silently at himself, then flicked on the light switch. He ducked his head down into the sink, rubbing his eyes. He turned on the tap, scrubbing the water all over his face and into his hairline. That – wait – that’s not right. His hair felt scratchy, rough, compared to its usual silky texture. _Damn, those liches really sucked ass._

Taako regretting lifting his head.

Looking in the mirror.

It wasn’t him. No. _Fuck no_.

His spell must’ve worn off while he slept – revealing everything that he wanted to hide. What once had been defined was now gaunt, what was smooth was pocked… and oh gods.

His _hair_.

He couldn’t hold back a choked sob as his fingers trembled over what once had been his pride – now tattered, ratty, frayed. There was a singed line starting by his cheek and ran all the way to the back of his head.

Ugly, wiry, brittle to the touch.

A whole piece on his right side was just _gone_. The remains of what had once hung down to his waist was little, and damaged beyond repair.

Taako’s gut twisted violently, and bile rushed up his throat into his mouth. His hand couldn’t hold it back.

He heard it slop into the sink.

He coughed.

Gagged.

In his panic, Taako spun around to the toilet, and the horrible dizziness made him wretch again.

He shuddered; spat into the toilet. Taako could feel tears coming. He wiped his face with his sleeve in frustration. _Damn, crying too. Pull yourself together you idiot._

“You okay?” Lup’s whisper came from the door.

He spat into the toilet again.

He couldn’t stop her from drifting in through the door, or the smoky red of her form from flowing around the room and swirling around him.  _Gods, he wished he could_ feel _her._ “Taako.”

“I’m fine.” He croaked. She was hard to read in her lich form, but Taako could tell that she was staring at him. He wiped his face again, roughly. “Just, ah, you all let Taako play himself. All this…” he hesitantly ran his fingers over his singed hair, words caught in his throat. “It’s, um, it’s…”

A spectral hand traced over his cheek.

“Oh, Ko. No, no,” She hushed. The smoke curled around him now, humming as Lup drew even closer to him.

“I know – I know it’s just hair… and it’s… stupid that I’m upset, but-”

“Taako, if it’s important to you, it’s not stupid.”

His breathing didn’t come easier.

 _Why couldn’t he just_ hold _her?_

“It’s just… I’ve… I don’t-” He hissed in frustration. _His words never worked. Shit!_

“You don’t have to say. But Taako…”

“What.”

“It needs to be cut.”

“What?”

“Well, Taako,” Lup’s form wrapped around him more insistently now, as if she was trying to card through his hair with the mist of her body. “Remember back when I used to burn myself all the time?”

“Ya.”

“I kept my hair short because I kept on burning it too. There’s no fixing burnt hair. It has to go.”

Taako held his breath – maybe if he did that, this would all go away.

He choked a little when he spoke.“Ya.”

They stayed like that for a while. He didn’t want to move from her, even if she was all liched up. Lup didn’t speak until Taako’s breath stopped shuddering.

“Hey, Ko, can you make it back to the sink? I’m going to get someone to help.”

Taako nodded, and she phased out of the room through the door crack.

Taako wobbled back to the sink again, hunched over, shriveled in on himself. He was facing the mirror again – looking directly into the eyes of that elf who _definitely_ was not him. He was not that haggard. But… as soon as he put his hand up again to touch his hair… yes. That’s him. All him.

His fingers slowly traced down his face, dirty, bearing the traces of scratches that even magic wouldn’t clean off. Those were all going to be certified Taako Issuestm. Hell, he wished he had some more spell slots left.

Lup quietly drifted into the bathroom through the door again, followed shortly by somebody coming in, opening the door barely enough to slip through. Taako shifted around a little, using the mirror to see who it was.

“Hey, Taako.” Magnus sidled into the bathroom. It was starting to get cramped up in there – a big dude, an elf, and a lich in the small side bathroom didn’t exactly make for roomy accommodation. He paused for a moment at the smell of the room – unpleasant – and the bile in both the toilet and sink. “Lup said you needed help.”

Taako hastily straightened up, trying to hide the fact that just moments before he had been ready to chuck up what was left of his bile.

“Heh, ya, just… um… you’re good at chopping things.”

“Yes?”

“You have a knife?”

“Umm… yes?”

Taako grabbed a chunk of singed hair, holding it out. “Have at it, big guy.”

“Um…”

Taako turned back to the mirror, though his eyes were sealed shut. “Just don’t make me look like fucking Fantasy Danny DeVito by the end of this, I still need some dignity.”

Magnus’s hand paused over the knife at his belt. “Taako, are you sure?”

“One hundo-p, my man. This shit has _gotsta_ go.”

“Um…”

“Use a knife or whatever I can get it fixed later. You guys have let me go around like this too long. Tick tock.”

“You just want me to _hack_ it?”

Taako felt Lup ghost closer. “You heard the elf. Just not too much off the top, Burnsides.”

Taako felt Magnus gingerly take a lock of hair, holding a section that was pretty close to Taako’s head. There was a heavy tug against the hair for only a moment – then – that metallic sound of hair being sliced through.

Taako began to shake. _Oh gods, oh fuck, no. This was happening. It was happening now. Fuck, he could pretend he didn’t care but shit now he’s shaking and crap crap crapcrapshitcrap crap-_

“Taako, careful!” His eyes snapped open to the sight of Lup rushing forward, and Magnus standing, stunned, behind him, knife held underneath another lock of hair. Her ghostly form still had some substance to it – he felt it especially in how she pushed down on his ear. “Come on, Ko, you have control your ears! He could’ve sliced it off!”

But Taako couldn’t hear her – he could only see the side of his head, where hair used to be, now scruffy and sticking out at odd angles.

_Shit shit shit._

_Fuck, now he was shaking harder._

“Taako, holy shit, I’m so sorry I didn’t mean to scare you if you want me to stop-”

“Magnus Burnsides, just finish, please.” Taako grabbed his ears, gripping them so tight they started to throb. He didn’t care. “I’ll get you whatever you want, just cut the rest of this shit off.”

Taako hoped to any gods that would listen that Magnus didn’t have his eyes closed as he took another handful of hair in his grasp.

 _Schnik_.

 _Thud_.

Repeat.

Repeat.

Repeat.

The grip he had on his ears was excruciating now, but the pounding and the heat and the desperate screams of pain were nothing – felt like _nothing_.

He could feel his head getting lighter – around the back – the other side – and Magnus sawed off the hair on the top of his head too.

Everything was so hot. He had to keep his breathing even, not pass out. Dammit. If he passed out then one of his ears definitely would get the chop too.

But something else was being cut away too. Not just hair.

When they joined the academy, uniform dictated a close shave for wizards, as a precaution. That was one of the best moments of his life, leaned over the tub with the buzzer, taking turns with Lup, shaving it all off. The shear euphoria of being _accepted_ and _Lup we finally did it_ and _this is our new start, I know it, Ko_.

The mission, the Starblaster – for a hundred years, his hair curled around his jaw.

Glamour Springs – it was at his waist, and dyed black – _why_ had he done that? He had let it grow, after, eventually letting his hair retake its pale blonde.

Now, he was rigid as a human fighter hacked all of that off with a knife.

He hacked off the IPRE.  He hacked off _Sizzle it Up_. He hacked off all the years on Faerun, and the year in the B.O.B.

It seemed like a whole other century before he felt Magnus’s hand sweep across the shorn back of his head, dusting off loose hairs and trying to get it to lie down in a presentable way, softly nudging at Taako’s hands to just _let go_.

Slowly, he does let go of his ears, the rush of blood made them feel even hotter, and he might’ve felt a little light headed. When he opened his eyes, they were trained on the floor ahead of him.

He didn’t want to see mounds of hair on the floor, but wandering eyes, and shit, that was a _lot_ of hair.

Taako’s breath caught up in his throat again – he couldn’t breathe, everything in his mind came screeching to a halt, overwhelmed by panic for the permanence of what he just did and it didn’t belong on the floor!

His breathing, when it did come, came ragged, whining, ugly with tears and _oh gods it doesn’t belong on the floor it shouldn’t have been burned why can’t I have anything why is the world like this_ \- Arms enveloped him from behind, so big that they wrapped all the way around Taako and formed a solid, comforting presence at his back.

“I’m so sorry.” Magnus Burnsides said, hugging Taako tighter, bowing his head against his shoulder.

Taako’s hand rose to take hold of one of those enormous arms – to anchor himself, if nothing else. He gave a weak, wet laugh. “You’re gonna get the hair pricklies on you, homie.”

Magnus didn’t let go. “It doesn’t matter to me.”

Lup’s form swept over them, and descended on the two like a blanket.

She might be incorporeal, but it felt even better to have her embrace around him with Magnus while he silently cried it out in that cramped bathroom.

* * *

 

Day didn’t exist on the moon. Neither did night. Only the lamp posts dictated whether it was light or dark outside, so it looked like early morning to Taako as he sat on top of the training dome, arms tucked around his legs and his chin on his knees, glaring across the ravaged quad.

His hand kept going to his head, expecting to feel the long strands of hair that he had always associated with his life on this plane – and being met with nothing but short raggedy patches.

When he had left from the infirmary, he was sure that everybody else was asleep. Lup and Magnus had insisted that they clean up the mess in the bathroom, and told him to go back to sleep, but he couldn’t. So he found himself outside, occasionally wincing when a memory reconnected in his head. Some were okay, others were bad.

He didn’t know how long he was there, or how long Kravitz was there before Taako noticed him.

Kravitz made himself known when he slid down into a sit next to Taako, leaning slightly into the elf’s field of view. Taako jolted, panic running through him and making his heart pound like a jackrabbit.

“Gees, my man, you scared the shit outta me!” Taako panted, gripping his cloak tightly.

“My bad. I’m so sorry for being late. I had some things to attend to before my Queen allowed me a spare moment.”

“S’fine, s’fine.” Taako leaned into him. Even though the Reaper was cold, it was nice to have some touch – thinking about it, being trapped in tar for gods knew how long probably left Kravitz in need of some touch as well, because he leaned back into the press of Taako’s shoulder.

“You cut your hair?”

“Oh. Ya, decided it was time for a little freshening up for the ol’ Taako brand. Start something new. Whaddya think?”

“It’s nice.”

Taako harrumphed. “Magnus cut it with a knife. Not exactly fantasy First Choice Haircutters but it works until Taako can get a real chop.”

“You were in quite the hurry, then?”

“Well, I mean, my hair was a little fucked from beating down ol’ John McVore, a little crispier than hair should, ah, really be.” Taako’s hand went up for a moment, finger nervously twirling, then retracting with a jerk when he realized there was no hair for him to nervously wring. Silence. “You don’t like it, do you.”

“I-”

“Nah, nah, don’t lie. Don’t worry, I won’t go out into public again until this shit gets _at least_ to my shoulders. Can’t have you walking around with this embarrassment.”

Kravitz drew back, “Taako… you don’t really think that, do you?”

“Ummm… no?” Taako smiled awkwardly, and was met with Kravitz’s exasperation. “…Maybe?”

“Taako, I would never be ashamed of you. I thought I told you that.”

“Disguise Self can’t fix what’s going on here.” Taako fidgeted, avoiding Kravitz’s gaze now.

“It’s just hair.”

“No it’s not.” Taako’s tone surprised even him. He hesitated for a moment, but then the words were tumbling out of his mouth before he could stop them. “That was Taako from the IPRE. That was _Taako from TV_ , and Taako from Miller’s Lab! This-” his hands flew up and grasped his too-short hair, “- this is just _Taako_! An-and, and _just_ _Taako_ isn’t something that people just love!”

 _Fuck, crying again._ He wiped his sleeve aggressively across his face.

Kravitz seemed so big, and Taako so small, as the Reaper leaned over him again, arms gently, slowly (giving Taako the option to push him away) wrapped around him. His lips pressed to the top of Taako’s head, so softly.

“I love ‘just Taako’.”

Taako sniffed. “You sure ‘bout that?”

The Reaper held him tighter, hand slowly drifting up and down his back in calming strokes. “Of course. Nothing is going to change that. I love you, Taako… always.”

Taako rested his head against Kravitz’s chest – nothing separated them.

“Fuckin’ sap.”


End file.
